it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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I feel it
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.