I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…