I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.