About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I just love that new Pope smell.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave