captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
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50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Are you ok, human???
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.