I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
me working on my assignments ^-^
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now