people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
So the ex texted me
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Cake!!
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.