I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Florida be like…
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.