Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.