Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The news
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.