she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You Might Also Like
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.