Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You Might Also Like
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
we’re gonna need another temp
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
shut up and take my money
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!