The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song