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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
#growingpains
Brb my Sims are getting married
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.