{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.