One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Only short people can save us
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Oh no
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.