Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Holy moly
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it