warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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This 4th of July, please remember…
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.