How many calories are in Twitter beef?
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
A drum solo but on your face.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.