If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Just so funny
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You sure about that?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Denise please return my vape pen
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
all that yoga finally paid off