I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?