I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]