In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.