Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
You Might Also Like
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Stop.