I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Banking tips
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine