When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Easy enough.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.