Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views