taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again