The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!