We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.