I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.