Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.