Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old