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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Lube but for my dry humor.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.