Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!