A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“What?”
– Jude
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like