my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
#Caturday
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*