Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they