I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Salad is the decaf of food.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.