I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I love it all
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.