let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.