a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Tuesday
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.