What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Buck naked
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
🍞🦆
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently