If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
🤣🤣🤣
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.