me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
an airline just for babies.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga