I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.