1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
#SaturdayBears
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*bites zombie*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.