“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.