Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option