It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending